Followers. There are 500 of you now. That is a lot of people. I don’t think I’ve ever been in a room, even, where that many people were listening to me (granted, not all of you listen to me I guess). That’s kind of weird.
Life is a big topic. But this will be a short(er) post. I just want to write this down to remember this moment and exist it in the best way I know how — by writing it down.
I’m a writer. I used to feel weird about saying that to people (or even to myself), but I think I have grown out of that phase. I am a writer. I am a writer. I’m a screenwriter. I write scripts for movies and tv pilots and plays. I write about women — complex, flawed, smart, capable women. Sometimes they have superpowers. Sometimes they don’t. Sometimes they are partnered. Sometimes they aren’t. Sometimes they are white. Just kidding, they are almost never white. But sometimes they fail.
And sometimes I fail.
I fail a lot. I have this tendency, you see, to take on the problems of others. I don’t just mean my friends and family, either. There was a point in my life during the first couple of years of college that I had friend’s parents calling me about their divorce, or their depression, or their alcoholism — and their families (my friends included) had no idea about any of these problems. I guess it’s weird, or at least uncommon. But I didn’t just listen to them. No, I had boundary issues and made their problems mine, tried to get them help, tried to ease them through the divorce process, tried to assuage their depression. The funny thing about that?
Their problems created mine.
For my own thoughts, I do not think I am a selfish person. I think I have been pretty good about recognizing my privilege and fighting for feminism and inspiring non-feminists to discover how patriarchy and feminism affect their lives. I believe that I am a good friend, and meet people’s needs when they surface. I like to imagine that I am talented in writing, that everything I write just gets better and better with time. I’m funny, smart, gentle, awkward, confident, compassionate, sincere, and honest.
Generally speaking, I think I am a good person.
But I don’t believe that deep down. I don’t believe I’m a good person.
Trust me, I am not trying to garner pity or well-meaning comments of, “You’re so wonderful, though!” I’m not being dramatic or self-serious or anything. But it all comes back to my problem.
Which, ultimately, is looking for validation. It’s looking for fulfillment in people who are “broken,” so that when I try to fix them, I feel validated. It’s attracting people who cannot possibly give back emotionally so that I fulfill my own nightmare of not being loved. It’s about not feeling whole and using others to try and fill myself. Which, in the end, is selfish. It’s not smart. It’s not kind. It’s not compassionate or gentle or sincere or honest or any of the things I want to think about myself.
It’s selfish.
But I am relieved to say that I am done. Buddhism has been introduced into my life and through it I have found an inner peace like no other. It’s not perfect, and often doesn’t last but I can always get it back. Everything comes in an ebb and flow — even pain. I am not trying to fix my flaws anymore. I am not trying to fix anyone else’s, either. I just am. I have been nurturing my soul with delicious homemade food, light walks, writing spells that last for hours, beautiful music, long naps, and brilliantly funny or dramatic TV shows. Everything that comes, be it good or bad or terrible, I have learned to flow with, to not fight change.
Slowly, I am learning that I don’t need anyone to validate me. I need to validate me. I need to begin to believe that I am good. I need to start appreciating myself for what I contribute and not expect others to do it for me. I need to live lightly, never being afraid to lose or gain anything.
And I will.
I will live in a state of flux, not in a state of harboring anger toward my sisters or eating disorders or sexists or white privilege. I will live knowing that bad things will happen to me, around me, and that that does not require that I relinquish my faith in people, in change. I will live because I want to write and fill movie and TV screens with memorable and dynamic women of all genders and races and sexualities. I will live because despite how bad my life has been in the past, it is mine and I thrive knowing that I alone control what I do and choose how I feel and live how I want to live.
Because this is my life. As far as I know, I only get one. And it would be really stupid of me to live that life believing that I am wasting it.
